Tag Archives: personal change

April 1, 2012 · 10:12 pm

My Generation Is Best, The Other . . . Not So Much

That OTHER Generation is IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!!!

One of my favorite team building exercises is to put people of the same generation together and have them describe the other generations.  I have them make a list of the characteristics of the other generations, the strengths and the weaknesses, what most interferes with their own ability to work with the other generations, and what they admire about the other generation.  There are frequently three different generations in the groups I work with these days.  What I enjoy so much about these exercises are:  1) how similar the feedback is across different organizations; 2) how surprised and (frequently) outraged the generations are about how others see them; and 3) how important these conversations are to changing the way these folks look at and work with each other.

The Generations

The three generations that co-exist today in most American workplaces are:

  • Millennials- born between 1984 and 2002
  • Gen X- born between 1965 and 1983
  • Babyboomers- born between 1946  and 1964

Someone born in 1946 was born to parents traumatized by both the Depression and World War II.  Someone born in 1966 was born to parents who were influenced by the Civil Rights Movement, nuclear weapons, the Vietnam War and the Sexual Revolution.  Someone born in 1986 was born to parents who were just getting used to computers, two-income families, PacMan and the beginning of CNN.  Each generation is different from the other because of the influence of their parents’ experiences, the differences in their education, and the impact of different political and technology influences.  Each generation thinks theirs is “the best.”

More important, though, each generation is trying to solve the same problems–create a home, have a meaningful life, feed and educate their kids,  make the world a better place, care for aging parents (Millennials aren’t there yet).  They believe that theirs is the correct way to do it, but they all are seeking similar goals.  The similar goals are as important a common ground as the different ways are an area of disagreement.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

The most important thing that comes out of the team building exercises that I do across generations is that each wants R.E.S.P.E.C.T. from the other.  Real, genuine respect.  Sometimes these exercises get quite heated–and it is almost always because  they feel disrespected by the other generations (not even necessarily from the ones in the room, but from other encounters.  These feelings are usually built up over years.)   Respect isn’t possible if you continue to think that your generation’s way is the best.  It is one way.  It is based on what was going on when you hit maturity.  It is not the ONLY way, though.  If you had had the same issues/experiences/challenges as another generation, then you would likely have the same priorities and opinions of how it “should” be done.

Figure out how to appreciate the strengths of the other generations’ approach.  I couldn’t do what I do if I didn’t have the Gen Ys to challenge me and the Millennials to help me with the constantly changing technology.  They need me to give them a longer perspective that is tinged with wisdom.  Although it would probably be more comfortable to be in an organization that includes only those who share the priorities and understandings that I have, it would be so BORING!

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March 29, 2012 · 10:06 pm

So you want to start your own business . . .

get ready to start businessGet Ready!

I talk to a lot of people whose life goal is to start their own business.  For most of them, it’s a “some day . . . ” kind of dream.  You can’t start too soon. There are tremendous opportunities to use your jobs between now and when you’re ready to learn things that will help you.  There are lots of skills that you need to develop to be able to hit the ground running with your business.  Why not be ready to succeed when you start your business?

To start your business, you need at a minimum (and not necessarily in this order):

  • Confidence
  • Money
  • A Product or Service
  • Customers
  • Marketing skills
  • Management skills
  • Finance knowledge

You can buy some of these, but most of them you had better have enough to be able to oversee the basics until you can hire it in.

I know lots of people who have had their own business.  Some were successful executives who bought or created a business after many years running large corporations.  Some were middle managers who bailed on the big corporation either by choice or through layoff.  Some were entry level employees who just couldn’t take the structure and lack of autonomy in the company they joined.  Some were young people who never joined an organization, but went out on their own immediately.

Get Set!

The ones who succeeded had tons of confidence and drive.  This doesn’t mean that they didn’t have doubts, but they continued to believe it would work out or they would figure it out way past where many of the rest of us would have walked away.  (Of course there are always people who are lucky and come up with an idea that is a killer idea that people swarm to, but that is pretty rare–like winning the lottery).

There is a great book, Effectuation: Elements of Entrepreneurial Expertise, by Saras D. Sarasvathy, which explores the ways that entrepreneurs think differently than corporate leaders.  The researchers asked successful entrepreneurs to help them develop a entrepreneurial game that would provide a simulation of creating a business.  They compared the way the entrepreneurs thought about creating a business–including ideas, product development, financing, overcoming problems–with the ways corporate leaders did.  They found that entrepreneurs do not close down the options in the same say as those who are successful in corporations.  They approach the problem looking for how to make it all work, rather than how to pick some of it and make that work.    The author, who did her research at Carnegie Mellon and is presently a professor at the University of Virginia, believes that people can be taught to think this way–just as people can be taught leadership.    Thinking like an entrepreneur is only part of the battle, though.

From a practical stand point, no matter how well you think like an entrepreneur, and no matter how great the idea for the business is, you also have to be able to manage the business well enough to get it on its feet.  Once on its feet, you can hire people to help you.  From the time you start the business until it is producing enough revenue to hire the help you need, you have to be able to get the product produced or deliver the service, market it and manage the finances.  You also have to be able to provide the necessary cash–either your own, or you have to figure out how to persuade someone else (usually through a business case) to give you the money that is necessary.

It is easiest to accumulate this cash and to develop the marketing, managing and financial acumen while sitting in an organization and using the resources of that organization to develop your skills.  I don’t think this is cheating your current organization.  As long as you are there, every skill set you develop benefits them.  The book that really helped me understand this and was the blueprint that I used to get ready to start my business was Soloing, Realizing Your Life’s Ambition, by Harriet Rubin.  I wanted to start a coaching and consulting practice.  This book may not work for you if you’re starting some other kind of business–but find the book that does work for you!

Go!

There may be specific skills that you need for the kind of business that you’re getting ready to start.  Take the classes, get a job in the kind of business you want to build, do whatever it takes.  When you are ready–take that first step.  The nice thing is that you can start your business while you are still earning a living in another organization.  You don’t have to dump one to do the other, until you are ready.

Go for it!

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March 27, 2012 · 10:29 pm

I Hate My Boss!

BadBoss

Unless you’re independently wealthy, you probably have to figure out how to deal with a boss you hate–at least for a while.  Pretty much everyone has this problem at some point in their career.  The good news is that you can and will learn more from a bad boss than from a good one (especially about yourself).  The bad news is that this isn’t easy.

STEP ONE- REFRAME

The first step is to take YOUR emotions out of it.  The best way I know to do this is to REFRAME the situation.  We assign all kinds of import to the boss/subordinate relationship.  We bring a ton of baggage to it.  We want approval–sometimes even love–from our boss.  We realize that the boss has power over us, so we are afraid of the interaction when  it is unpleasant, and more so when it is always unpleasant.  Maybe he will fire me!  All of this sets us up to be more emotional in our interactions with a bad boss.  As long as you’re focused on your boss’ power over you, and your needs that aren’t getting met (appreciation, approval, respect), it is unlikely to get better.

Think of a relationship that isn’t as important to you.  Maybe an acquaintance, or a sales person, or a customer (that one is my favorite).  Think of your boss as someone in that other role.  How would you treat that person.  Hopefully you wouldn’t be rude, but you would be matter of fact, and you would continue to try to make the situation work out.  If you think of your boss as a customer, then you can position yourself to try to make her happy (the customer is always right, right?), but you’re not going to blow up if the customer is rude.  You’ll deal with it.  You’ll be responsible and even-keeled and you won’t stew over it forever.  Remember, REFRAMING is only the first step, but it is an extremely important step.  It will be hard to be able to do the next steps if you can’t get yourself to this more neutral stance.

STEP TWO- UNDERSTAND

Oh, you’re not going to like this step.  You need to see the situation through your boss’ eyes.  You may need help to do this.  Ask others–several others.  Ask them for their opinion of what the boss’ perspective is.  How does your boss see you?  Why?  Does he think that he’s told you what you need to do and you haven’t done it?  Does he think you’re just not right for the job?  Does he think you don’t listen?  Does he think you’re more trouble than you’re worth?  Forget all the ways that he’s wrong.  Really understand how/why your boss thinks what he does.

I once was having lots of problems with a boss and I just couldn’t understand it.  I had made so many improvements in the brief time I’d been in the job!  From my perspective, I was doing one of the best jobs I’d ever done.  Maybe he was a sexist.  Maybe he was an idiot.  Maybe he just didn’t know what he was doing.  (You can imagine that there was no “maybe” in my thinking.)  No matter how hard I tried, he wasn’t satisfied.  It seemed like everything (including the situation that I had walked into) was my fault in his eyes.  One day he said pretty much exactly that.  I suddenly realized that although I’d only been in the job for three months (too little to fix it, I thought), he had only been with the company and my boss for two months.  He actually thought that it was all my fault.  No wonder I was on his wrong side.  Telling him that I had just started was not sufficient to change his opinion of me–we had been pushing each others buttons for a while.  It was enough, however, for me to finally understand the problem.

Once you can see the boss’ perspective, you have many more options.  You DO NOT have to agree with the perspective.  You just need to see it.  You also need to figure out what makes your boss tick.  Does she make decisions based on lots of facts and details?  Does she rely on others’ opinions to make decisions (others who have issues with you?)?  How does she like to be communicated with?  Does she like frequent updates?  You need to spend the time and energy to figure your boss out.

STEP THREE- MANAGE THE BOSS

Now you need to start to manage your boss.  Who gets along with your boss?  What do they do?  (This may be especially difficult if you don’t like the person who is succeeding with the boss—but you don’t need to like them.  You need to understand what they DO that works.)  Start to communicate in the way that your boss prefers (not the way that you prefer).  Provide the information that your boss needs to make decisions.  Stop making it obvious that you don’t like/appreciate/respect your boss.  Remember she’s the customer.

Pay attention to your assumptions about what the boss knows, wants and needs.  Look at the others who are succeeding with the boss—what assumptions do they seem to be acting on?  Pay  attention to the way that you communicate with the boss.  Do you question the boss when others just say OK?  Do you make sure you’re clear on what the deliverable is?  Does the boss know what you’ve accomplished?  Are you cheerful or glum?

Your job is to help your boss succeed.  Are you doing that job?  It is really possible to turn this “bad boss” situation around.  I’ve done it.  I have had lots of clients do it.  In fact,  it is more common to fix this situation than not.  Don’t give up.

STEP FOUR= FIGURE YOURSELF OUT

Now it’s time to focus on you again.  WHY  does your boss bug you so much?  What buttons is she pushing?  Who does she remind you of?  What do you think that she should be doing (for you) that she isn’t?  This is how you can learn more about yourself from a bad boss than from a good one.  As long as those buttons are “pushable,” then you are not in control of your performance.  Sometimes you don’t even know that they are there until a bad boss starts pushing them.  Don’t blame the situation entirely on the boss.  This is a relationship like any other—two are responsible for it.  The more you understand about yourself, the more successful you’ll be in improving this situation.

STEP FIVE- MOVE ON

If doing these four steps doesn’t work, find a new job with a new boss.  DO NOT bad mouth the boss, however, as you do it.  You’ll set yourself up for a bad situation with the next boss—if you even get the job.

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March 25, 2012 · 9:29 pm

What If . . .?

What if you could do it over again?

You’re 18 and Can Do It All Again

What if when you were 18 years old, you were given a list of all the major things that you would accomplish between the age of 18 and your age now.  All the good things, the bad things, the decisions, the important people  What if then you were told to look over the list and decide which of those things you would keep, and what you would do differently.  Would you undo the bad decisions?  Would you do better with the good decisions?  Would you hold on to all the people you’ve let slip away?  Would you tell people things that you hadn’t?

What pattern do you see in  what you would change?  Would you take a different job?  Work in a different industry?  Get a different education?  Have different relationships? Would you be kinder?  Would you work less?  Work more?  Would you focus on different things?  Would you write a book?  Would you take better care of yourself?  Save more money? Live some place different?

How Would You Decide?

What process/rational would you use to make your decisions?  Would you consciously use your (now) more developed sense of values?  Would you seek counsel from someone (different)?  Would you have a different set of priorities now that you would apply?

You Do Get a Redo (From Here On) . . .

OK,  you can’t remake/redo the decisions between year 18 and now.  BUT you can remake/redo/start again from age now till the end of your life.  What’s going to be different?

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March 18, 2012 · 10:46 pm

Rot at the Top

Is All Corporate Leadership Rotten?

When I taught leadership, I always discussed Manfred Kets de Vries’ (see his book, The Leadership Mystique)  theory that  when organizations go down the drain, it is usually because of rot that started at the top.  Many (most? all?) of my students took this out of context and seemed to think that corporate leadership = rot at the top.  This is troubling on two levels–first, it is very distressing that my students  have enough evidence of misbehavior of folks at the tops of organizations to generalize to all corporate leadership.  Just as troubling, though, is that if you think that corporate leadership is immoral and corrupt in general, then you don’t strive to be a corporate leader.  Or, worse, you sabotage your career when it gets close to where you start to see yourself in a leadership role.

There certainly are lots of examples of organizations whose leadership has behaved corruptly and immorally.  There are also examples of organizations where the behavior may not go all the way to corrupt, but certainly isn’t admirable or something to aspire to.  There are hundreds of thousands of organizations, however, where the top leadership is genuinely trying to do a good job and trying to help the organization to succeed.

Leaders Are People, Too.

These leaders are people too.  They used to be middle managers and before that they were college students and before that, they were fifth graders.  They do things right and they do things wrong.  They have crises and families and flaws and strengths.  They aren’t perfect.  But neither are they perfectly bad.  These leaders can be influenced by leadership at all levels of the organization.

Informal leadership at all levels

Step Up to Be a Leader

Organizations that have leadership at all levels of the organization are far less likely to have bad leadership at the top.  Leadership doesn’t require a title.  It requires stepping up, doing and saying the right thing.  It requires not going along, when it would be easier to do so.  It requires asking questions, and listening to people who are closer to the issue.  Leadership doesn’t require positional power.  It requires personal power.  Personal power comes from being respected–because you are very knowledgeable about things that the organization needs (expert power), or because you have the ability to influence others (referent power) or because you are connected to the “right” people (connection power).

Organizations are becoming more aware of the power of informal leadership.  An organization called Keyhubs helps organization evaluate and leverage informal leadership networks.  Work on becoming a leader–wherever you are on the org chart–so that when your organization realizes they need to care about informal leadership, you are sitting there,  leading.

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March 13, 2012 · 10:20 pm

Genericize Yourself, Increase Your Options

Change Your ThinkingBroaden Your Opportunities

For the first ten years of my career, I did product development and operations at an electronic publisher.  Before the Internet.  Explaining what I did was very hard.  (It would be a lot easier now).   When I started looking at other career options, I found that there were a limited number of electronic publishers in the country and none of them were within 100 miles of where I lived.  If I wanted to work at another company, my options were pretty limited.  I looked at job postings (again, before the Internet) and I couldn’t find anyone looking for anything remotely similar to what I did.

The fact that my company was being sold made me realize that I needed to figure out ways to open up more opportunities.  The way I did it was to examine the positions within my company that existed in other companies in my community–human resources, organization development, strategy, government relations, fulfillment, and customer service.  I looked at ways that I could get more experience in those areas so that I could market myself to other companies.  Luckily, I didn’t get swept up in the layoffs associated with the sale of the company.  Also, I was lucky that my company was open to me getting experiences in other departments.  I acquired enough experience to make myself credible in a number of different positions.

Then Broaden Them Some More

Today, if I wanted to genericize myself, I would do it differently.  I would become an expert who is broad and deep in a subject area that expands beyond inside-organization jobs to external contractors and consultants.  These would be jobs like Project Managers, Program Managers, experts in ERP systems,  global operations or social media marketing.  These would expand the opportunities to reflect the way job opportunities exist now–inside and outside companies.

And Then Some More

At the same time that you are building your skills to make you credible across companies/industries/delivery models, you should be building your brand as a complete player in your area of expertise.  If you want to go to the top you also will have to make it all fit together.  Your understanding and performance at that point will have to be broader than it is deep.

All of this requires that you look beyond today’s job to tomorrow’s job and beyond.

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March 9, 2012 · 7:14 am

Are All Organizations This Crazy?

People frequently ask me, “Are all organizations like this?”  This political?  This crazy? Yes and no.  All organizations are functional and dysfunctional in their own ways.  Like families.  Even the very best organizations rub some people the wrong way.

Organizations are combinations of people, personalities, power structures, networks, needs, wants and everything else you can think of.  Organizations are environments.  They are ecosystems.  You can’t control them.  You can  only control how you interact and react to them.  You can understand them.  The more you understand how organizations in general work and how yours specifically works, the more successful you will be.

 

We all have a tendency to think “it’s all about me.”  The problems I’m having in this organization are unique.  This organization is unique.  My boss is unique. My relationship to my peers is unique.  And, of course, to a certain extent, that is  true.  There are significant commonalities, however, across organizations.

Ichak Adizes has done research and writing about organization life cycles., http://www.adizes.com.  His theory is that all organizations grow through a series of life-cycle steps and have predictable problems and behaviors at each step.  His theory is that all organizations (if they make it) go through:

  • Courtship
  • Infancy
  • GoGo
  • Adolescence
  • Prime
  • Stable
  • Aristocracy
  • Early Bureaucracy
  • Bureaucracy
  • Death

All of these steps (like bureaucracy and death) aren’t inevitable, but it requires leadership to take specific steps to reset the organization to an earlier life stage.

If you understand, however, which stage your organization is in, then you can see the organization differently.  It isn’t so much crazy as struggling with where it is and what it is trying to get done.  You can stop being so affected by what’s going on around you and start being effective.

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March 6, 2012 · 10:33 pm

Are You On Your Way to Failure?

Derailment

Executive coaches call it “derailment.”  Derailment happens when the organization has made an assessment of you that basically takes you off the planned (yours or the organization’s) trajectory of your career.  Derailment is usually talked about from the perspective of the organization–you’re not living up to expectations.  From your perspective, you feel that you’re stuck.  You are not moving up anymore.  The new jobs, promotions, or opportunities have dried up.  This might take a while to notice.  It usually is noticed by the organization much sooner than you notice it.

Evidence of Being “Stuck”

The evidence is easy to miss at first.  The  way most people notice it is that things are just not going the way they used to go.  It’s longer between promotions.  Someone else is asked to do the special project (or in some organizations, you are the ONLY one asked to do the special projects.)  Your boss doesn’t ask your opinion as much.  You feel shunted aside.

Being Able to See That You’re Stuck is a Lucky Break

Ironically, one of the things most likely to cause you to get off your career track is what has helped you succeed so far.  In other words, as you move up levels in organizations, your strengths become weaknesses.  Just like the things that worked for you in 5th grade, didn’t work for you in high school;  the things that make you an outstanding individual contributor don’t make you a great team leader. If you are highly technical or detail oriented, and you’ve been praised for your tactical implementations, the next level may require you to let go of some of the details and to see the big picture.  If you have been a heads down technology star and got promoted to be a manager, you need to pull your head up and learn how to deal with interpersonal issues.  If you have always been the smartest one in the room, but a little abrasive, and you suddenly are leading a team, that abrasiveness will cause you real problems.   If you are the boss’ favorite and suddenly that boss is gone, you’re in trouble.

The sooner you see that there is an issue, the sooner you can start working on it and the sooner you can get back on track.  It’s possible to re-energize your career, even at the same company.  The first step is to understand what it is that is in your way.

Most Common Causes of Derailment

Lois Frankel lists common reasons for derailment in her book, Overcoming Your Strengths, Harmony Books (New York 1997):

  • Poor People Skills
  • Inability to Work As Part of a Team
  • Inattention to Image and Communication Style
  • Insensitive to One’s Effect on Others
  • Difficulty Working with Others
  • Too Broad or Too Narrow a Vision
  • Lack of Concern for Customer or Client  Needs
  • Works in Isolation.

The Center for Creative Leadership includes others based on their research:

  • Too loyal to a boss or organization
  • Too personable–relies on relationships to get things done
  • Inability to adapt
  • Failure to deliver results

But None of Those Are True of Me

I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to admit any of those are true of me.  The easiest way to be able to see the “off-ness” of your behavior is to frame your observations as if you just started this job, instead of finishing up your 15th year with the organization.  When you are new to an organization, you are MUCH more open to reading the signs that people are putting out.  You are much more able to assess your performance in the eyes of the people who matter.

If you feel “stuck,” start paying attention to how you interact with the organization.  Ask someone you trust to tell you the truth.  (Remember telling the truth in this situation is very hard).  Listen, and thank the person.  Then leave.  Don’t get defensive.  Don’t debate.  Leave.  Think about it.  The person might not be right, but s/he is giving you important information–a perception about you.  You know they say perception is reality.  You can’t deal with it if you don’t know it.  You need to spend some time thinking about it.  And maybe getting some more feedback.  And maybe observing yourself in the organization as if you were a new employee.

Expect Emotions

This is not easy.  Expect to be unhappy about it.  That’s ok.  Give it some time.  It’s better to feel it now than when they fire you.  You’ll get over it.  Once you can be more rational about it, figure out what you are going to do about it.

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March 5, 2012 · 2:27 am

Who’s Looking Out For You?

Are you a “High Po?”

A ‘High Po’ is a high potential employee.  Organizations identify employees as high potential and invest in those employees.  Companies identify and invest in high potentials (HPs) because they believe that the HPs have the qualities necessary to be future leaders of the organization.  Companies send HPs to training, give them developmental assignments, provide them with mentors, and monitor them throughout their careers.

There is nothing scientific about how organizations choose these people.  Some organizations do formalized evaluations that includes an evaluation of the traits, skills, and behaviors of employees who have succeeded, other organizations simply ask managers. Sometimes organizations are right in who they choose.  Sometimes they are wrong.  Sometimes they leave people who are just as much a HP sitting on the sidelines.

So What?

If you haven’t been picked as a High Po, does that mean that you can’t/won’t be a leader in your organization?  Absolutely not.  Organizations need great leaders with skills that will help the organization deliver the strategic goals.  If you show the organization that you have the ability, skills, and energy to lead, they will completely forget that they didn’t identify you earlier.

So, What Do You Do?

Treat yourself like a High Po.  Create your own Executive Development program focused on growing your own skills.  Provide yourself with the training, developmental assignments, get yourself a mentor and measure your progress. Don’t wait for your  organization to do it for you (and, by the way, a lot of organizations don’t do it for anyone). Who cares as much about your career as you do?  Who wants you to succeed as much as you do?

So, How Do You Do It?

Here’s a list to start:

  1. What skills does the organization need to be able to deliver on its strategic goals?  From people at your level?  From leaders?  From Executives?  What’s missing? (This is important because this is the way the organization thinks).
  2. What is the  (yours/your organization’s )assessment of you? What strengths do you have? What gaps are there in your skill set/experience?
  3. Looking at your skills/strengths and the org’s needs–where do you fit?  Where do you want to fit?.  What can you do to start to fill in skill gaps?  What kind of class/reading/experience can you give yourself to start developing your skills?

Here are three books that might help:

Take Yourself to the Top by Laura Berman Fortgang

  Changing on the Job by Jennifer Garvey Berger

   Lessons of Experience by Morgan McCall

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March 2, 2012 · 12:14 am

Manage Your Boss, Manage Your Career

Isn’t Your Boss Suppose to Manage You?

Yeah, in an ideal world, your boss is smarter than you.  You boss is a leader who inspires and motivates you.  Your boss knows how to get the roadblocks out of your way and how to recognize all the things that you do right and guide you through your mistakes.  That’s the ideal world.  If you’re lucky you have a few of these bosses in your career.

They Aren’t All Like That

Bosses come in all shapes and sizes.  Some of them are brilliant and some of them are stupid.  Some of them are leaders and some of them are spineless.  Some of them know how to do your job better than you do and some of them don’t.  As you move up the organization, if you’re good, at some point you surpass your boss’ skills and ability.   If you’re lucky, that doesn’t happen until you become CEO.  For most of us, though, it happens significantly before that.

I talk to clients all the time who rail against this.  They have a certain belief set about how bosses should be and they waste an awful lot of time and energy being frustrated because bosses don’t live up to expectations.

Get Over It

I’m sorry to be unsympathetic, but we don’t get to have the boss of our choice.  Even those of us who take a job specifically to work  for a certain boss frequently get moved away from that boss long before we’re ready.  Bosses are just one more factor that you need to learn to manage to succeed at your job–just like resource constraints, market changes, difficult employees,  partnerships, etc.

Managing your boss is critical to your career success.  The great guru on management, Peter Drucker, not only said that you needed to learn to manage your boss, but also said it was “easier” than managing your subordinates.  He suggested that you write a semi-annual letter to your supervisor (that was the word they used in the 1950’s when he wrote this) that details not only your goals  for the next six months, but also what help you need from him.

So How Do You Manage a Boss?

The first thing to do is to see the world (and you) through your boss’ eyes.  Give the boss the benefit of the doubt.  What is s/he trying to do?  Why?  Remember, almost no boss gets up in the morning with a goal of making your life miserable.  They are trying to get their boss’ goals accomplished.  They are working with the resources they have (including intelligence, patience, knowledge, or lack thereof).  Your boss will be more inclined to help you/be the leader you want if s/he sees how that will get his/her goals accomplished.  Remember, bosses are people too.  They need help, appreciation, respect, and friendship just like the rest of us.  This means that you don’t make your boss’ life worse, you try to make it better.

Build the Relationship. Focus on the relationship.  Don’t take it for granted. The inability to get along with your boss is a major career derailer.  Just like marriages take work, boss/subordinate relationships take work.  Don’t wait for your boss to take the initiative–it is as much on you.

Communicate, communicate, communicate.  No surprises (either way) is an incredibly good rule.  Don’t assume that your boss knows things because you do.  Make sure your boss knows what you do to make his/her life better.  How else will they find out?

But You Don’t Want to be a Kiss Up, Right?

Don’t be a kiss-up.  Find a way to reframe the relationship so that you can be comfortable with managing your boss.  The last time I had a boss who absolutely make me crazy and I couldn’t find any comfortable way to interact, I decided to think of my boss as if she were a customer.  I was able to treat her with respect and do what she needed no matter how she treated me, and then I was able to walk away without being emotionally wounded.  Try reframing the way you see the relationship.

All of this will help make you a better boss, too.

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